Where I've Stood.

It's been a while, but I know those of you who actually read this thing are still here. ;)

Today, I absolutely need an outlet to get some thoughts out and I feel redundant posting things on Facebook and obviously, my need to get thoughts out and just be heard sometimes is part of the reason I ever even started blogging. Granted, I am not a serious or consistent blogger. It is what it is.

So, J and I have been in Germany for two years this upcoming July. Living here has been such a wonderful and healing experience for me. 2011 was a really tough year, which I have touched on just a little and those of you closest to me are aware of some of the details of that and why. J and I were separated by many miles. He completed a tour in Korea and I moved back to Texas. The year was largely wonderful and I was doing well and working again. J was staying busy with his job there and made a couple of pretty great friends, or at least one. :) When J came back from Korea for his mid-tour, I was okay and we were halfway done and hoping for an overseas PCS (Permanent Change of Station, or our next base.) Anyway, a couple of days before Jason flew out to California for a month long training, before returning to Korea, I woke up with a panic/anxiety attack, much like the ones I had for months after my Dad passed away. Knowing my past history with depression and how it manifests in me, I knew it was not good and it was going to be hard to pull myself out of. So, the night before J left for California, I made the decision to fly (AND, I don't fly!) and go to California as well. I hope we are able to get back one day, because I didn't fully get to enjoy the experience because of everything I was dealing with mentally. 

I am so blessed to have a husband who has stood beside me when he didn't understand what was going on with me and couldn't comprehend what was going on with me, but still held me and loved me and encouraged me and hoped when I couldn't, that someday, I would be ME again. He hoped when I had no hope left. I cried, I prayed, I tried my hardest to pull myself out of the pit I was in, but I didn't do it alone. I have questioned sovereignty, but I know in my heart of hearts, I am where I am today because God, in his grace, allowed me to become a fighter and the fighting changed my heart. Knowing where I have stood, I now try to extend grace to others, because I know how easy it is to put on a fake smile or cover hurts by spewing hatefulness about others to try to fill the holes in my own heart. I am not perfect and my mouth often moves faster than my head and heart, but I try. I do try. I can only hope and pray that people see the whole picture of who I am and not just those times when I don't think when I speak or when out of frustration or an off day, I say something less than kind. I want to be love. I want to be grace. I want to be forgiveness, in a world that has little to give. 

Sometimes, when I am happiest, I am also most sad. It's strange how those feelings surface and when. But when I think of those days when I never thought anything would make me happy again, I'll absolutely take the good with the bad. Sometimes the anxiety sneaks in. The insecurities that I'm not good enough or that people don't truly like or love me. Sometimes I push people away because I feel like eventually, they will decide I am not worthy. But, I am learning that with all my flaws, we are all worthy of being loved and finding love. 

Living in Germany has changed me for the good. Currently, I am trying to convince my current home to speed up the winter and let spring come on in, but it's mostly good. ;) I still wake up and often cannot believe that this is my life. 

I have recently joined a group that I always vowed to never join, because of the stereotypes I believed (and shouldn't have..) I have met some of the most wonderful people, who give so much to the community and to each other. After having unfortunate ends to friendships with people who didn't know how to give anything good to anyone after being here only a short time, it is nice to be among people who care and give so much. Knowing them is making me a better person. 

I am kind of rambling at this point, but I'm sure I'll be back soon, or maybe not. You never do know. ;)

Just know that you are worthy of love, kindness, respect and grace. And, you are also strong enough to give it.