Where I've Stood.

It's been a while, but I know those of you who actually read this thing are still here. ;)

Today, I absolutely need an outlet to get some thoughts out and I feel redundant posting things on Facebook and obviously, my need to get thoughts out and just be heard sometimes is part of the reason I ever even started blogging. Granted, I am not a serious or consistent blogger. It is what it is.

So, J and I have been in Germany for two years this upcoming July. Living here has been such a wonderful and healing experience for me. 2011 was a really tough year, which I have touched on just a little and those of you closest to me are aware of some of the details of that and why. J and I were separated by many miles. He completed a tour in Korea and I moved back to Texas. The year was largely wonderful and I was doing well and working again. J was staying busy with his job there and made a couple of pretty great friends, or at least one. :) When J came back from Korea for his mid-tour, I was okay and we were halfway done and hoping for an overseas PCS (Permanent Change of Station, or our next base.) Anyway, a couple of days before Jason flew out to California for a month long training, before returning to Korea, I woke up with a panic/anxiety attack, much like the ones I had for months after my Dad passed away. Knowing my past history with depression and how it manifests in me, I knew it was not good and it was going to be hard to pull myself out of. So, the night before J left for California, I made the decision to fly (AND, I don't fly!) and go to California as well. I hope we are able to get back one day, because I didn't fully get to enjoy the experience because of everything I was dealing with mentally. 

I am so blessed to have a husband who has stood beside me when he didn't understand what was going on with me and couldn't comprehend what was going on with me, but still held me and loved me and encouraged me and hoped when I couldn't, that someday, I would be ME again. He hoped when I had no hope left. I cried, I prayed, I tried my hardest to pull myself out of the pit I was in, but I didn't do it alone. I have questioned sovereignty, but I know in my heart of hearts, I am where I am today because God, in his grace, allowed me to become a fighter and the fighting changed my heart. Knowing where I have stood, I now try to extend grace to others, because I know how easy it is to put on a fake smile or cover hurts by spewing hatefulness about others to try to fill the holes in my own heart. I am not perfect and my mouth often moves faster than my head and heart, but I try. I do try. I can only hope and pray that people see the whole picture of who I am and not just those times when I don't think when I speak or when out of frustration or an off day, I say something less than kind. I want to be love. I want to be grace. I want to be forgiveness, in a world that has little to give. 

Sometimes, when I am happiest, I am also most sad. It's strange how those feelings surface and when. But when I think of those days when I never thought anything would make me happy again, I'll absolutely take the good with the bad. Sometimes the anxiety sneaks in. The insecurities that I'm not good enough or that people don't truly like or love me. Sometimes I push people away because I feel like eventually, they will decide I am not worthy. But, I am learning that with all my flaws, we are all worthy of being loved and finding love. 

Living in Germany has changed me for the good. Currently, I am trying to convince my current home to speed up the winter and let spring come on in, but it's mostly good. ;) I still wake up and often cannot believe that this is my life. 

I have recently joined a group that I always vowed to never join, because of the stereotypes I believed (and shouldn't have..) I have met some of the most wonderful people, who give so much to the community and to each other. After having unfortunate ends to friendships with people who didn't know how to give anything good to anyone after being here only a short time, it is nice to be among people who care and give so much. Knowing them is making me a better person. 

I am kind of rambling at this point, but I'm sure I'll be back soon, or maybe not. You never do know. ;)

Just know that you are worthy of love, kindness, respect and grace. And, you are also strong enough to give it. 

Day of Love, 2012.

Valentine's Day is fun. :) I have spent years without my Valentine, but this year, we were fortunate to be together. We had a few rough moments today, courtesy of J's job, but we aren't going to talk about that. 

I am so blessed to have a wonderful man who loves me for exactly who I am (and who I am is a little scary sometimes, shh..) and we have so much fun together. We are loving living in Germany and creating our own little Tour De Europe, Castleberry style. 

I know some people choose not to celebrate on Valentine's Day and that's fine, but we do like to do sweet (pun intended) little things for each other on Valentine's Day.

Last year, we were in California together while Jason completed a work training and had a great time just being together. This year, we celebrated pretty low key.

I gave J his gifts a couple of weeks ago (what can I say? I don't like to wait..) I redid his bathroom in black and greys, so it was more of a place he would want to spend time in? As silly as that sounds. He had just a modge podge of random old towels & bathroom stuff, so I wanted to get him things that are meant to go together.

And, he gave me my gift the night before V Day, because well, I don't like to wait. :)

He got me my Kelly Moore Posey 2 grey camera purse! I am in love with it, but even more in love with my sweet husband! He wanted me to have it before we go back to Paris at the end of this month. I found this purse a couple of months ago. It is made just like the cross body I carried to all the Christmas markets and Berlin. It was so great, because it was longer instead of wider and bulky. So, this camera bag definitely fit the bill of what I loved!

My Posey 2 bag!

I also woke up to a heart shaped box of little Ferrero Rocher chocolates.

My bag & sweets from my sweet.

I also made these brownies as a little dessert surprise for J.

Making a raspberry sauce.

When J got home from work, we got all dolled up to go out for dinner. Unfortunately, the place J wanted to take me was closed yesterday and he had a little language barrier when he called to try to make reservations. So, we headed a nearby village that has tons of restaurants and found a wonderful little Greek restaurant. Our dinner was cut short by some not so fab news and so our little date night pretty much ended there. But, here's to hoping things will work themselves out.

My love.

J looking all GQ. :)

Homemade raspberry butter cream brownie sandwiches.

xoxo.

love.

love.

it makes me miss my love and dc, even more.

xoxo,
heather

I LOVE dancing around my kitchen, making dinner and listening to music from the 40's. Fabulous.

xoxo,
Heather

The Story of Jason and I.

The story of Jason and I.

Jason and I met as staff members at a Boy Scout ranch in my hometown. I was (and still am) best friends with the ranger's daughter, and spent most of my senior year in high school, at the camp, with her family. So, when the time came for people to interview to be on staff for the summer, I was already in love with this place and wanted nothing more than to live there for the summer.

The first time we ever saw each other, was when, Jason was leading a get-to-know you game with all the staffers on the day we all arrived. He likes to tell me about how there was no way he couldn't have noticed me, because I kept talking and distracting him as he was trying to keep everyone focused on the game. What can I say? I am a talker. :)

As staff members, you become close with the people you work with, because you all live on camp property for the duration of the camp season. So, it was normal that you interacted with everyone.

After a couple of failed attempts to keep us from dating, by a staff member who will remain unnamed, we ended up going on our first date, to the 4 screen movie theater in my hometown, where we watched Shrek 2 and dined at what used to be the very best Mexican food restaurant in town (that is now a steak and burger joint.)

We spent the rest of our time at camp, trying to spend as much time as possible together. Before camp ended, Jason invited me to come to New Orleans with him a few weeks after camp ended, to attend a wedding with him. To be honest, I really didn't expect to see the guy again. He lived 4 hours away, was starting his Sophomore year in college, and I was just a small-town girl who had graduated from high school two days before we met. Nevertheless, when I kept receiving phone calls from him after camp, I gathered there might be a bit more to us than I had originally thought. :)

We dated for 2 more years, before getting engaged, but that is another story for another time. :)

2nd Anniversary.

Jason and I got to spend our second anniversary in our favorite place! Texas! Yay!

This is what my sweet husband got me for our anniversary.

It is a black and white diamond square knot. :) It fits together perfectly with us and our story.