Dad..

Last night, I went to bed missing my Daddy and this morning, I woke up feeling the same dull pain that I have learned to live with.

On a beautiful, hot (it was Texas) August day, he went out riding his new motorcycle and he didn't come back in the way we expected. The next time I saw my Daddy he was no longer in this world. It's hard to put in to words how missing someone feels. Really, there are no words to express the pain. For months, I woke up screaming or crying or gasping for air. My body's way of dealing with the pain, I guess. And, my mind's way of holding on to the last piece of sane I still had. I never thought I would make it through, honestly. It was hard to see myself out of that despair. My family all handled it in their own ways. We cried together, A LOT. Lots of late night phone calls, trying to help each other by talking about the wonderful times we shared as a family. Or, time spent with close family friends. Or, the fact that my Dad videotaped the day Jason proposed to me. I guess if he couldn't walk me down the aisle, at least I know how excited he was that day. 

I know I was so blessed to have called that man my Dad. Lots of people weren't blessed with great parents like my siblings and I. Conversations I heard between them that I couldn't understand at the time, I do now. I know how much they sacrificed so that we could have things that we needed and lots of time, things we just wanted. Or vacations we took, that honestly they were hard pressed to afford. Those are some of the most wonderful memories that my family likes to reminisce on now. I am so thankful that my parents knew how important those things would be one day. I hope he knew how much I appreciated everything he did for me. I hope he knew that even when we got upset with each other, how much I loved him. I still do. I will never stop loving or missing my Dad. How could I? I knew him my whole life, until he was gone. 

Of course, my Dad was not perfect. I know he messed up. A lot. We all do. But, he also did a lot right. He raised 3 kids who are respectful of others, who love deeply, and have learned to be strong and make it through, because he lived life as though it was wonderful, even when it wasn't. I strive to be better, because that is what he always did. He stayed angry for a short time, then he was grinning and joking with the same person who had hurt/angered/ or frustrated him. He knew life was short. He knew there was not time to hold on to silly grudges that only make you bitter inside.

Sometimes I get upset or angry at people who really don't know loss. They whine and complain about superficial problems and think their lives are so 'terrible.' I guess I have little patience for people like that. I am trying to be more understanding. But, here's the thing, if my family and other families I know who have experienced the magnitude of serious loss, really know what losing is, and can be happy and try to look at things with such a wonderful and positive outlook, remembering how short is; I have little patience for people who have experienced nothing near that and can't get it together and realize how blessed they truly are.

I am not perfect. I know that. At the end of my life, I don't want people to be able to say I took for granted a second. And, I don't want to feel like I took it for granted. I want to look back and be proud of who I was, who I became, how I loved, how I lived. 

I sure hope one day, if everything I've always believed is true, I will see him again. I can only imagine the happy tears. And, the embrace of a man who helped, along with my Mom, mold me into the person I am. And, a lifetime spent with him, that this time, will never end.

What Being Thankful Means..

I am thankful.

I am thankful when the pain feels unbearable. I am thankful that I got to have my Dad for as long as I did. I am thankful when I feel the pain. It reminds me of everything I had. The time I had. Lessons learned. Memories made. And, the love my Dad shared with all of us. It reminds me that I had my Dad, if only for a short while. Even when I wish I had so much more time.

The pain reminds me that I did have my Dad. I would feel every bit of the pain again, even if it meant I would only have had him in my life for a minute, an hour. Children are born and never know their parents. I knew mine. I was blessed to have both my parents for 20 years.

I know that the pain is also a blessing. The blessing serves as a reminder of the wonderful moments we had with him. How much love exists in one lifetime. What a life can mean.

I frequently reflect on the fact that the time was not long enough. It could never have been long enough.

Missing You, Debbie.

For friends and family who may not yet know, Jason and I lost a very special part of our family and hearts.
My sweet and beautiful, inside and out, Mother-in-law passed away Monday, September 22, 2008.
From the very beginning of my relationship with Jason, Debbie welcomed me into her life, family and home. I miss so much, the time we spent together. This morning, I sat outside, where we sat together, many times, where I would come and sit and talk, sometimes paint my nails, whatever it may have been, while Debbie smoked, read or just sat outside enjoying the day and her garden. It is very hard to lose anyone that you love, most especially, someone who was such a huge part of your life.
I feel so amazingly blessed for the time I had both with Debbie, or as I referred to her, Mom, because she was a Mother to so many, including many friends and family members. I don't think you are ever ready to lose anyone you love and I realize now, even when someone may be sick, it is not any easier than losing someone who passes unexpectedly, as my Dad did. Everyone asks, was it sudden? And, to me, yes, it still was. I definitely did not know that when she came to visit with other family members in July, that it would be the last time I laughed with her, hugged her or just enjoyed her company in silence.
For someone who I may have only known a short few years, I will miss her for a lifetime.
I love you, Debbie-Mom. I miss you.