that wind is calling my name, and i won't wait..

When I arrived in Germany 8 months ago, I never anticipated the changes that would occur in my life.


A year ago, I was going through depression and in that state, I never thought I would truly be happy again. That is, after all, what depression does to your mind. I was scared, not excited to move to a foreign country. I was scared, not excited to get on a boat for nine days to get to this country. I was scared, not excited to live in this country for three years. 


I know the trigger was Jason coming home for a short time and then, while enjoying our vacation at Disney World, I thought about him leaving again, and I just couldn't hack it. I was fine before, I was enjoying spending time with friends and family in Texas, while he did his year in Korea. I was independent, while living in Texas. I had family and friends who were there if I needed anything, but it was so nice to be in a place with open spaces and familiarity. It just goes to show, depression can affect anyone, anywhere. This wasn't the first time I have battled it, but it was the worst. Just because you are strong, doesn't mean depression won't affect you. And, despite what some think, depression isn't something you can 'help yourself' out of. It is a mental disease. 


I don't know when the depression started easing up. I do know many nights, my sister and my Mom stayed at my house, just so I wouldn't be alone. No, I wasn't going to hurt myself, I just couldn't handle being alone. I know many days, I forced myself to get up, get dressed and just get out of the house, even if I had no where in particular to go. I forced myself to eat and work-out, even if that was all I could muster. I pretended I was okay and happy for certain people, all the while, those closest to me were frightened by the change in me and didn't know what they could do to help. Most nights, I couldn't sleep and when I did, I woke up sweating and scared. Of what, I didn't really know. Anxiety, all the time.


When we found out we were moving to Germany, J was so excited. He wished for this. I, however, tried to find a way around it. Looking back, it makes sense. Topping off a battle with depression with an overseas PCS in the near future, it was almost more than I could bear. I think the main problem for me at that point, was knowing I would have to fly. I dislike flying, if I can avoid it, I do. Flying can make me panic faster than anything in this world. So, I got a wild idea to look for a cruise that would take me from the United States to Germany, or at the very least, Europe. I never imagined it would actually work out. So, when I did find a ship and my sister did want to join me, it became more real and I was still scared. 


Something happened, though, aboard my transportation to this country, in between New York and Southampton. I relaxed. I got excited. I enjoyed lounging by the pool. I loved seeing nothing but ocean, which is a bit amusing, since that was something I thought would scare me the most. I thought being out on the ocean, far from all land, would make me feel trapped. Instead, I feel it liberated me. 


The first month here was full of anxiety, wondering if we would find a place to live, wondering if I could live here for 3 years. Sister was here, it did not go well. I was not a fun person to be around. It is quite stressful arriving in a foreign country, with no home, looking at so many houses that we would call about and would already be rented out, it was so frustrating. And, moving with the military is always so painless. I am kidding about that last part. :)


We did finally find a home and I am glad we held out, because we love our home. I think I enjoy the light in the house the most. When I walk downstairs in the morning, the sun is shining in and I can't help but smile. Most days I wonder, how did I get here? And, then I think, I had to go through  what felt like hell, to get here.


I have been reflecting on this past year a lot lately. To have been at the lowest I have ever been in my entire life and then to be where I am now. It makes me want to cry, just thinking about it. I wake up and have to smile. I feel like I can take on most anything these days and that feels so darn good! I set goals and achieve them, not only achieve them, but shatter them. It feels so incredible to do that!


A year ago, what people said or thought about me bothered me. These days, I understand everyone has an opinion, but what I think of myself matters so much more than what anyone says about me. On the same note, I do my best not to judge others, because it's not helpful to anyone. I can't control what people say about me, but I can control what I say about others. I choose to rejoice in people's fortunes, happiness and the good things in their lives. It saddens me sometimes, that friends cannot seem to do the same for me, but then, they aren't in the same place in life. They may not be ready to grow and change for the better. They may not have gone through an experience that made them want to be better, because they know what it feels like to feel like you have no hope. I want to improve everyday. It helps to surround yourself with wonderful people who inspire you to want to be better. I am so thankful for the people we have had the pleasure to spend time with here. 


I do my best to be a good friend, but I have to come first. I don't mean that in a hateful way, I just know if I don't make myself a priority, I shouldn't expect anyone else to. And, not everyone will be there for you when it counts. That's a tough pill to swallow, but there it is. I am learning to be okay with that. I would rather have a small number of true, loyal friends and that is where I am putting my efforts and time, those friendships. If you don't have time for me, that's fine. I won't, however, bend over backwards anymore for people who won't and don't make time for me. You don't make time for me, I don't make time for you. It sounds a bit heartless, but to preserve my sanity, that's the way it has to be. It hurts too bad to try over and over again with the same people who just don't care or think that they can do/say whatever and you'll stick around. And, for goodness sake, people, tell the truth. There is nothing worse than not taking responsibility for your words and actions. If you have to lie about it, you probably shouldn't do it in the first place. On that same note, don't be ashamed of who you are. You needn't lie about who you are.


Germany isn't perfect, but I love it here. The weather may not be what I would choose, but I can choose my attitude about the weather. I am prepared for a cold, spring day with fun, lightweight scarves. Or bright trenches for rainy days. It doesn't benefit you to complain about the weather, you can't change it. I would rather just enjoy every single day, no matter where I am, because life is short, but it is still so sweet, so don't take it for granted and miss it. 


These days, when I wake up, it's not with anxiety, it's with joy. Somedays I can feel that familiar little tinge of anxiety trying to come back and when it does, I am ready. I put on a favorite song. Or, show. Or bust out an awesome work-out. I am happy to be alive and that is so much more than I could have said a year ago. And, I will fight with all I have to make sure everyday counts.


[i am not sure where the credit to the photo goes, if you know, please let me know.]
[title: lyrics from the song half moon, by blind pilot]